When Obama won the nobel prize I was upset and asking why. Later my upset-ness grew to unheard of anger and I wrote an entry about it (see next entry). Today I'm a little more calmer realizing again there's more to life than obama's drama.
Onto other news, I got invited to fill in for someone on the guitar. I'm excited because I haven't played with anyone outside school in a while. I'm kinda excited to see what God wants me to see tomorrow. For some reason beyond my thinking, I'm doing this. And for some reason, beyond my thinking, someone else wants me to as well.
I've been praying lately to God asking him lots of why's. Why medical stuff, why davis, why stupid people, why frustrations, why failures, why successes, why pretty much all of my past brought up as well. I realized that God gave me the freedom so the why is not to God, but to myself. If God gave me the freedom to choose to love him and obey him, then I make choices whether I do or not. And it's not consequences that I deal with later, it's reality. It's not punishment that I deal wtih later, it's reality. It's my choices.
So while I've been talking to God about the why's, I've also been wondering when. I know my position here at school sucks. I know I don't want to be here that much simply because I've let myself out in the open. Everything in my life has been talked about with people. My life, its medical situation, my relationships, alot of failures out in the open. Sometimes I think starting somewhere new might be the answer for me, but then somehow someone gets the idea that I need love, and they help me. For this time it was Mr. Cramer, the overseer of the students. He set me up and said that he wants to have a meeting with me to get me on the right track so I can have a successful semester. Maybe it's because I didn't have anyone to talk to about my problems and maybe it's because anyone I talk to, I end up getting pissed about the way things are. Most of things are out of my control. That's why I get pissed.
So while I've been talking to God about the when's and why's, I've been asking him "is it time." I'll be straight up and say I need someone in my life. Not because I'm failing and that I'm not taking responsibility. I need someone because I need to share everything with them. I need them to be the one's I can count on to talk to anytime anywhere. My mom isn't going to be around forever, and she has been thus far, and I love her for it. I know even she wants me to find someone. And here's the thing, it's hard to find someone. It really is. People these days aren't real in the open. It's all layers upon layers of things you have to sift through to find the real person. That could take forever by the time I find someone I sift through to find a real person mature enough and ready enough to start a real relationship focused on some potential and serious growth.
So there has to be a different way to go about this whole seeking a woman thing. Most people say you shouldn't seek and that you should let the woman come to you, which I find to be complete bull crap because with my wit and standards of social life, it'll never happen. So I have to have an open door and go about seeking a woman the right way, not a foolish I'm desperate way or anything either. Because I'm not desperate. I'm satisfied the way things are, wishing things could be better, hoping things will get better, but still satisfied at the current situation of things in life. So how do I go about doing it?
Well I know first off, if I want to find someone, I need to be having a regular agenda of doing things. The idea is that in my agenda of doing things I'd run into someone. Now I've run into people before, but haven't really clicked, either too young, too smart, premature, too mature, not real enough. So i'll begin my agenda by having a daily schedule of waking up to go to classes and what have you. Then on the weekends, a daily schedule of church and work. I'm starting to go to youth group with my friend Caleb and I love it. I'm learning what teens are like now a days. I really liike hanging out with them, and apparently they do too. I'm getting involved in music at that same church, just starting off with filling in for people. Who knows where that could go.
Basically, I can't run and be lazy. I have to do something, socialize. I wish I could bulk up though. People think I'm a twig. That's frustrating.
